The goodies under the tree… December 29, 2008

I’m just back from my weekend in Wexford testing out my Santa present. Apparently being good does pay off, I got what I asked for . Santa brought me lots of naughty and plenty of opportunities to put it to work.

 

My weekend of debauchery began at a housewarming in a monstrosity of a house before heading on to a session in a ickle bar in the arse end of nowhere, a place where boundaries do not exsist. Had an absolute blast with the farmer folk consuming my Guinness, blackcurrant and antibiotic bomb and dabbling in a bit of oh-so-comical cherades (which I discovered I have an incredible talent for).

 

Last night we popped back to the bar on our way back from Xtravision to check in on the casulties from the night before who were back in for the hair of the dog. There he sat on the bar licking his wounds and feeling so very sorry for himself. His checks were red from the previous night’s excitement, he really did create quite the scene. He had come down from the ceiling exhausted and well, quite battered. I have to say I did feel a little sorry for him as everyone looked on and laughed at his misfortune, he had lost the “jolly” from the previous night. Afterall T did send the hanging Santa flying across the room and into the pile of clean glasses behind the counter giving him a black eye and a bruised ego as he slumped on the counter instead of hanging with his other Santa buddies.

 

Edinburgh is just around the corner now so all Scots be warned I will be arriving Saturday with Santa present in tow.

Dear Santa December 24, 2008

I have tried and tried and tried to be a good girl this year.

 

I’ve cleaned my room, helped mum and dad, brought my sister out shopping days, been a sister rather than a second mother to my brother. I’ve loved and lumped it. I joined the gym and appear to keep getting unhealthier.

 

Christmas is tomorrow and I know this is late reaching you but God seems to have done a runner on me. I’m lying in bed, I’ve pulled a muscle in my chest from coughing, which might I add is agony, I’ve a dual infection and a migraine that could take down a pride of lions. Not forgetting the antibiotics and painkillers that cause nausea, the loveless love life and the mountain of work that needs to be done on my days off.

 

So Santa what I’d really like for Christmas is the energy to be really really naughty cause nice is getting me nowhere!

You can sail your ships around me… December 16, 2008

Have you ever felt lost in a black hole? Like life and the people you have come to love are whizzing around you and can’t see you?

 

Have you ever felt like crying at the cashiers in your local Tesco as you stumble across a forgotten photograph in the rummage for your wandering credit card?

 

Have you ever felt a smile would crack your face at times when tears seem to soften it?

 

Have you ever felt feelings you can’t control or understand?

 

Have you ever stood at the bus stop in the pouring rain letting one, two and three of the buses going your way to pass without stopping?

 

Have you ever kissed the best looking guy in the bar and not returned his calls because all you needed from him is to know you still have it?

 

Have you ever felt so hurt that you begin to push away the people who do care because you’re afraid they too will hurt you eventually?

 

Have you ever wondered if people are capable of understanding who you are and what you’ve been through?

 

Have you ever willed with all your might that a day or event will never come even though you know it will?

 

Have you ever wished time would stop and let you out for a while?

 

Have you ever wished Kleenex made bigger tissues?

Sleepless in silk December 8, 2008

In the past walking up Grafton Street at Christmas time saw the twinkle flicker into my eye as I became transfixed by the Christmas lights flooding the street. This weekend that glint was the reflection of the flirting eyes that met mine on the ass freezing stroll from dinner to the nearest watering hole.

 

Distracted by the click clacking of my oh-so-fabulous new heels I was whisked away to my own little land of Oz. The light banter with friends quickly became the backdrop to all the drama going on around us as the yellow brick road stretched out ahead.

 

 The crying girlfriend swatting away her boyfriend’s touch. The elderly couple linking for warmth. The couple whose eyes were wandering in different directions. The beer-filled stags from Scotland. The group of guys fanning their feathers hoping the object of their affections would chose them. The middle aged couple dancing next to the street performer. The drunk. The sober. The lonely. The loud. The quiet. The happy. The sad. The young. The old…and me.

 

I was walking with four great friends, tummies warmed by the incredible meal we just ate. Fingers tingling from the cold. Smiles brimming from ear to ear after catching up on the weeks, even months we’d missed in eachother’s lives. This night was about us, for us. We talked. We listened. We laughed. We cried.

 

As I stared at the road ahead unable to see its end, I strode on through the bitter cold and the pain (beautiful heels come at a price), my phone whistled.

It was a message.

A message full of possibilities.

A leopard never changes its spots December 3, 2008

I have been asked not to blog the truth.

 

I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. I’ve been mulling it over in my head and have yet to come up with a conclusion. It seems to appear that the truth hurts and I for one am very much aware of this feeling.

 

I ask then, why I, after the truth being dangled before my eyes, should be the one to hold back, why I should be the one to exercise self control in order to protect the feelings of someone who’s laziness in this department has reduced me to a blubbering mess over the past few days. Why must I always be the grown up?

 

See I knew what came on the CV and I still gave him the job. It’s difficult not to feel stupid, but I know that being naiive was my only wrong doing. Relationships always go through rough patches, it’s in their nature. Relationships end that too is in their nature. It just hurts to think that my trust issues all along weren’t just me even though I’d been convinced of it. This leopard is clever with words and charm but his spots will never change. I’m just thankful I woke up and saw each spot for what it really is.

 

Truth hurts, yes. It hurts until you accept it and deal with it. If you don’t deal with it your truth will continue to hurt anyone you try to love.

 

I won’t be hurt anymore.

The things money can buy… December 1, 2008

My credit card has bought me so many pleasures lately. On Saturday it got a workout in George’s Street Arcade where I purchased an incredible corset and pencil skirt that I poured myself into (or rather Darren poured me into-he’s in the wrong business). Sunday saw me hand over the remainder of the loan I received from my Dad.

 

Today the ATM whizzed as it counted the notes. My hands began to shake. I knew what I was doing. I had made my decision. This is it. I walked down the street trying to hold my head up high, trying to battle the tickle in my tear ducts and the itch in my throat.

Buzz.

 A phone call later I hear footsteps. I’m met with a mother’s hug. A woman who represented a family I grew to love as my own. I placed the package into her hand and smiled in an attempt to conceal the aching. “I’m doing ok”, I lied.

 

Today I purchased closure.