I ran away. I often run to avoid the difficult things life throws in my path. I let my feet look after the problem gagging my heart and head. I rushed love and hurt out the door. I slammed the book shut on recent chapters in my life. I switched off my mind and body and drifted into my numb oasis in my little land of nothing. All feeling and sentiment paused, the rewind control removed. I tucked memories into far corners of my clouded head and closed the door on the creation of new ones.
The holidays passed in an insignificant blur. The night became my mistress and the day a distant stranger. Close friends battled to keep me afloat with gentle smiles and encouraging hands. They were rewarded with empty grins and forced validations of my well being.
Woke up. Dragged myself to the bathroom. I caught my reflection in the mirror. The lack of sleep had aged my face, it looked pained and swollen. For the first time in a long time I greeted me in the mirror. This person staring back didn’t look like me. Her nails were bitten, her eyes puffy and dark, her skin grey. She bore through me as she studied my face trying to find something familiar. A smile creeped onto her lips. She’d found what she was looking for. Me.
The wall is still there. The bricks are taking their time to loosen, but amidst all the hardness I found myself peeking back. It wasn’t a reflection I’d seen before but in there I found a glimpse of what I once was, someone I’d been estranged from for longer than I’d realised.
I’m lucky. I’m lucky I’ve found the hammer to start slowly breaking down that barrier. The hammer that has made spaces for possibility to re-enter my life and holes that spy on hope. Our defences are kicked into gear when we hurt, walls are thrown up and people we care about are often left on the outside looking in. Strength rarely makes it inside those walls and only gains entry when those bricks start to come down one by one. Some bricks are lighter than others, some weigh on you for days and other tumble down on top of you. Each of those blocks was cemented in heartache, a heartache that must be faced everytime that hammer sounds.
I would never be me again if I continued to live with a hardened heart, I’d be parting with any possibility for happiness. Right now I feel more awake than ever, I’ve just rejoined the human race. The troll lifestyle just didn’t suit me. I’m finally letting myself admit how I truely feel to myself and others. I can be me again now, be that happy or sad, confused or clear headed, wired or mellow.
No more pushing problems under the carpet. Getting up and facing it even if it’s blubbering into a pizza at 6am with your best friend looking on with her penny’s worth at the ready then so be it. Life goes on and I’m not going to miss it for anything. Better to feel shit sometimes than not to feel at all.
I think you may have just melted my dark little heart. Wonderfully written and heart-breaking.
I’m delighted you’re coming out the end of this. Clichéd as it may be, time heals all…
Nice to see you back Little Miss. And yes, time is the best healer of them all.
I just happened upon this while googling the phrase ‘you have to get lost to be found’ and I just wanted to say I am in almost the exact same spot as you were here. After six years, I was absolutely determined we’d be married, but she had been with someone else for several months. And I was removed. I’m only just now, after several months, starting to come back to life. Anyways, just thoughts and sentiments from a stranger. I think reading that helped me.