Disc Jockey December 2, 2009

Off work. Yawn. Nothing decent on tv. Yawn. Munster gone to Munster leaving me home alone. Yawn. Pain. Yawn.

I’m fed up…been off work all week and don’t know what to do with myself today. Popped in to make sure all was in order and was swiftly told to get out. A doctor’s note is a powerful thing that not only refuses entry to the workplace but banishes you to the confines of your normally cosy home. I’m sitting here wrapped in a blanket with a hot water bottle strapped to my back wishing I had the strength to light a fire and warm the love shack up for Munster’s return (that and to prevent him finding me bluer than I am already). 

For the past few years I’ve asked Santa for a new back but he keeps bringing me coal I can’t lift…(he’s a cruel sinister man) and well quite frankly the one I have is attacking me as of late. Early Saturday morning it haunted my dreams fooling me into believing I was being tortured by God-knows-who and waking to shooting pains down the entire left side of my body. Following this came numbness and loss of power to the entire left, limping and spagetti arm syndrome was the twist of the knife before being told to get to the nearest hospital asap. It was just like House with a Wicklow accent. A few doctors later I’m told my back is fecked (which I could have told them myself) and I’m subsequently drugged to the skies on a cocktail of this-that-and-the-other that is far inferior to a jug of Mai Tai. Funnily enough one of the happy pills they’ve given me is also used for recovering alcoholics…people can be so presumptuous when you’re arriving into A&E slurring you’re words and looking like you fell off a table.

Anywho, although I’m bored senseless I seem to have plenty to think about and while I’m not mentioning this to anyone too close to home for fear of molly-coddling I’m laying eggs over the MRI that’s on the agenda. Not because of what the result may show or the possibility of surgery but because the mere thought of those machines makes my claustraphobia behave like the disgusting little green dude on the cough syrup ad.

Basically, I’m at home, bored, overthinking shite and need something “back friendly” to occupy myself with. Sitting at the computer has now exhausted its abilities to distract as my back has begun to squeal for attention so suggestions from anyone who comes across this would be welcomed with tagliatelle arms.

Spend all your time waiting… October 21, 2009

Ta Daaa! *flinging back one’s “new hair” and brushing off the glitter and chalk dust one has been rolling in for the past few months*

 

Long time no see! Real sorry about that…you see…emmm…I…em… well I….Igaveupthislarkforlentthengotlazythengotbusyandthenthoughtheysurewhowouldmissme?! Then I went out one night and got a rap on the knuckles for packing it in and recently Kerryview sent me a message looking for me to report to the office and give my excuses…so here I am back in my old skin and shining like a new penny

 

Apologies in advance I don’t believe anything I write will be any good anymore as my sister just pointed out I’m smiling an awful lot to myself lately and to be honest it’s because I have nothing to complain about…I’m me again…I’m happy

 

Since I was on here last I picked myself up and gots to dusting off the debris from the previous few years and sprung into action. I got my contract renewed in that oh-so-hard-to-find-job of mine (which just became permanent today *teethy grin*), I hit the states by force for my second time in a handful of months and dove head first back into the bosom of the social life of LM past. By spring I was born again *End Scene*.

 

Anywho, I spent the first couple of weeks of the summer in the sun with one of the girls from work then the rest in the pissing rain in a tent around Ireland with my munster man for the final month and had the time of my life. I recommend it to anyone. Friends and family would have put me in the swanky hotel category as they waved goodbye to the arse of Betsy (our tempermental transport) packed to the rafters with enough camping gear to keep a family cosy. Two tents, eight counties, gallons of beer, 2 windbreakers(from Woodies and Munster) and a field later I sat in my mud stained pjs, socks outside my bottoms, the sound of flies buzzing round the lamp and looked across at Munster and it dawned on me, I’ve got it all. Everything I could possible want, feel or need at this stage in my life was mine it wasn’t just dangling in front of me anymore.

 

It’s funny how time plays tricks on us, how what you believe should take time can happen in moments while an instant can last a life time.  A year has turned my life upside down and it needed it. I took chances and remained true to my impulsive self, much to the dismay of family and friends who wanted to roll me in cotton wool for months and greeted Munster with narrow eyes, he did not deserve, in the beginning. With that little bit of protection and buckets of  support I made it, I made me smile, I did it, not my family, friends or Munster even though they all do, I did it for me this time, by myself.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is you could spend all your time waiting for “it all” to come and ride off into the sunset with you on a white horse with a cocktail in one hand and kebab in the other (mmm hungry!), but if you’re dwelling in a place that stinks and you’re not looking beyond the tissues and tears you’ll miss it.

 

Kerryview I hope you’re proud of yourself you’ve got me rambling on this thing again although I’m sure Munster is delighted with his night off from entertaining my random thoughts and ‘bright’ ideas *giggle*…Anyway I’ll say “bye bye” for now and I’ll see you when I see ya.

 

Laters Gaters

Come on everybody, levy party! February 6, 2009

Date: March 2009

 

Theme: Big lips and Payslips

 

Venue:  Dáil Éireann

 

Proof of pay deductions will be required on entry.

All those in attendence must be suitably pissed off!

You can sail your ships around me… December 16, 2008

Have you ever felt lost in a black hole? Like life and the people you have come to love are whizzing around you and can’t see you?

 

Have you ever felt like crying at the cashiers in your local Tesco as you stumble across a forgotten photograph in the rummage for your wandering credit card?

 

Have you ever felt a smile would crack your face at times when tears seem to soften it?

 

Have you ever felt feelings you can’t control or understand?

 

Have you ever stood at the bus stop in the pouring rain letting one, two and three of the buses going your way to pass without stopping?

 

Have you ever kissed the best looking guy in the bar and not returned his calls because all you needed from him is to know you still have it?

 

Have you ever felt so hurt that you begin to push away the people who do care because you’re afraid they too will hurt you eventually?

 

Have you ever wondered if people are capable of understanding who you are and what you’ve been through?

 

Have you ever willed with all your might that a day or event will never come even though you know it will?

 

Have you ever wished time would stop and let you out for a while?

 

Have you ever wished Kleenex made bigger tissues?

A leopard never changes its spots December 3, 2008

I have been asked not to blog the truth.

 

I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. I’ve been mulling it over in my head and have yet to come up with a conclusion. It seems to appear that the truth hurts and I for one am very much aware of this feeling.

 

I ask then, why I, after the truth being dangled before my eyes, should be the one to hold back, why I should be the one to exercise self control in order to protect the feelings of someone who’s laziness in this department has reduced me to a blubbering mess over the past few days. Why must I always be the grown up?

 

See I knew what came on the CV and I still gave him the job. It’s difficult not to feel stupid, but I know that being naiive was my only wrong doing. Relationships always go through rough patches, it’s in their nature. Relationships end that too is in their nature. It just hurts to think that my trust issues all along weren’t just me even though I’d been convinced of it. This leopard is clever with words and charm but his spots will never change. I’m just thankful I woke up and saw each spot for what it really is.

 

Truth hurts, yes. It hurts until you accept it and deal with it. If you don’t deal with it your truth will continue to hurt anyone you try to love.

 

I won’t be hurt anymore.

The things money can buy… December 1, 2008

My credit card has bought me so many pleasures lately. On Saturday it got a workout in George’s Street Arcade where I purchased an incredible corset and pencil skirt that I poured myself into (or rather Darren poured me into-he’s in the wrong business). Sunday saw me hand over the remainder of the loan I received from my Dad.

 

Today the ATM whizzed as it counted the notes. My hands began to shake. I knew what I was doing. I had made my decision. This is it. I walked down the street trying to hold my head up high, trying to battle the tickle in my tear ducts and the itch in my throat.

Buzz.

 A phone call later I hear footsteps. I’m met with a mother’s hug. A woman who represented a family I grew to love as my own. I placed the package into her hand and smiled in an attempt to conceal the aching. “I’m doing ok”, I lied.

 

Today I purchased closure.

Tit for tat? I think not. November 30, 2008

What do you do when someone lies to you. When excuses take on a form beyond what you thought that person was capable of. When someone doesn’t step up and play the honesty card, when they attempt to transfer blame and guilt and in doing so they hurt you even more.

 

What happens then when you discover the truth? When it’s been teasing you for weeks and finally the penny drops after our recent late night meetings and poisonous passion.

 

Suddenly what was once so sweet is bitterly sour.

I want to be a lost boy September 16, 2008

Is that the remote you see?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could forever remain children. Ok so we’d miss out on the joys of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll but we wouldn’t know what we were missing and would be basking in our innocent ignorance.

 

I’m glad I haven’t lost the little girl that hums to herself and makes appearances from the bottom of the 5th pint glass every now and then. I’m delighted I can look at the world with new eyes when I have time to stop and take it in. Unfortunately the time to stop is proving a problem with age and this notion “they” call responsibility.

 

Without this time to kick back and actually live the moment I find myself morphing into this crabby pain in my own ass let allow the rears of my peers (hehe-childish moment! yeay still have some). When time slips from your fingers and the days seem to roll into one big blur it becomes difficult to appreciate life and the people in it. With little time to spend faffing around with friends and family you begin to wonder if it’s more than just a time issue and the paranoia begins to set in. Have I pissed her off? Does she have a problem with me? Can’t she ever make time for us? (Not sure why she’s a she, but then so is the cat’s mother)

 

I have few friends in the world that are there for me regardless. Not because I’m a monster or anything (being made of marshmellow makes that idea quite ridiculous), but because it takes alot to form a friendship like that. One particular friend of mine has been in my life for 12 years now, we were never joint at the hip. We didn’t belong to any particular clique and had friends from very different circles. We have both lived abroad for long stints with the other abandoned on this very isle (I’m presently the one stuck here while she wanders around dallas in her shoulder pads).

 

During the weeks, months and years we have spent distanced by water we have survived for months without a single word. This is due to the fact that we are both generally busy people, who are also poor and lazy. However, when she is back within radar be that a random email or a phone call, nothing has ever changed, whilst everything else has. The question “Any news?” never receives a “nothing much” response because I have been to the shop, bought sweets, visited the dentist, fallen on my face, spotted the girl who sat beside the girl who sat beside the other girl kissing the cute guy from that night out in that club near that shop I just bought the sweets in. On the other end of the line she has been frequenting gay bars with her new and utterly fabulous following of guys, sussing out the fraternities and giggling at the American Pie mayhem that is college life in the U.S.

 

It may take us months to share what has been happening in our lives but we manage it and it never feels like work. Lately keeping up with college mates has presented itself along with the ironing and the dirty dishes.

 

At the risk of sounding like an auld one, I miss the days when arranging to meet up was a call the night before and a 5 minute wait under Cleary’s clock, people didn’t seem to cancel back then, people had time for other people.

 

I like my life, I’m very lucky in many ways and I don’t remind myself of that often enough (a fact I think applies to most people of our generation) I would just love time to stand still for a little while so I can melt into the “comfy spot” and not think about what I need to be doing next or what time I must set my alarm and leap out of my comfy bed and finish that thing I should have finished earlier.

 

Why does life seem to be jumping up and down on the fast forward button?

 I can’t find pause!

Because my gut tells me so August 22, 2008

I have followed my heart and head to hell and back on a number of occasions throughout my relatively short life. I’m a pretty sensitive person, some might go so far as to say I’m over sensitive at times. I guess I’m an éclair, hard on the outside, soft on the inside. I don’t like letting people know when I’m upset about something but it will come out when I’m alone or with somebody close to me.

 

For a few years now, since I lived abroad, I’ve learned to trust my gut when meeting new people and in certain situations. Every time I went with my gut feeling I came out ok at the end. These feelings generally arose on first meetings be they good or bad and I give them a chance just in case I’m wrong although that has yet to be the case.

 

As I’ve learned to trust my gut and go with what it tells me so that my tummy will literally stop spinning I try to warn people I care about if I have a particularly bad feeling about something. Unfortunately a few headstrong people in my life have paid no heed to what I’ve told them and been hurt in one way or another. I’m not saying that I am always right or that I should always be listened to, I would probably be the same if someone said the same to me. My problem lately is that a friend of mine has made an acquaintance and I get an incredibly bad feeling about them, it’s weird but I can’t even stand the sound of this person’s name. I’m trying my best to remain rational about the whole situation but the gut continues to turn even thinking as I write this.

 

Is it crazy that because I have this strong, uncontrollable, negative feeling I’m hurt my friend won’t listen? Maybe I’m just being selfish and want to feel better myself by removing any link with this person in my life.

 

Oh I don’t know what to do. Am I losing the plot?

The Gods have brought good news August 13, 2008

They're a very flexible bunch of gods they have over here!

After dragging my feet around umpteen temples over here looking the height of tourist with my hand fan and gasping for water,while trying to take pictures of things I won’t remember the meaning of when I get home, the gods and goddesses have repaid me for my hard work. I heard today that the first place I interviewed for have another position openning up and I’m their top choice for the job. It has to be confirmed in a couple of days but they wanted to make sure I was still interested and still available…Yeay

 

Mmm what to ask for in the next temple?